Sunday 30 September 2012
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sex secrets......
SEX SECRETS
 Communicate for a healthy sex life!We all know how much we love making love. Men are known to enjoy it more than women. Plus, there are confusions galore as to what a good sack session means to both partners. A group of experts come together to tell us what is the key to a roaring sex life. 4 Rules to make sex enjoyableYou're figuring out a foreign body, and he has no clue what you like. To make your first hook-up worth remembering, follow four simple rules. Re-create the hottest sex you've ever hadVacation booty is too amazing to have only once or twice a year. Here's how to get the toe-curling punch of a destination hook-up...even when you can't afford the airfare. 7 Sex positions to reach that peakWe have seven positions that have been tweaked and tailored to help you reach the peak every single time-plus, a few extra tricks so the road to bliss is even more of a sure thing. 4 Phases to sexual satisfactionUnderstanding how your bod responds to the four phases of arousal will help intensify each sensation. If it's Thursday it must be sexIf you thought there is no specific time or place to have sex, you are mistaken. 5 Sex problems young couples faceMost 20 and 30 something women will, at some point, confront bedroom trouble with their men. Yikes! We offer fixes for the biggest mattress hurdles that duos deal with. Spice up things in bedrooomAre you in a relationship that seems as if it is stalled in the bedroom? If so, your first thought may be to terminate the relationship. But, what if your relationship is long-term? What if you are married? What if you really do love your partner? Secrets to make that lust last longWhat's the main factor in the demise of long-term relationships? Infidelity? Nope. According to a research, the culprit is boredom. Here's how to keep things hot! 8 Ways to last longer in bedShort and sweet can be satisfying in bed, but it's bound to turn frustrating if it's the only thing on the menu. Start by re-examining your - and your partner's - expectations. Reasons why sex is good for healthResearch from around the world encourages us to embrace sex as it is healthy. Here's why: How Yoga improves your sex lifeYoga increases flexibility, which helps you to be free and just go for it in sex. Here are seven reasons how Yoga could spice up your sex life. Enjoy a quickie at dawnLooking forward to a good day? Have morning sex! According to research, having a romp in the morning assures a good day ahead. 7 ways to have better sex tonight!Stress, sleepiness and low self-esteem often cause women to put love-making on the back burner. These creative ideas will instantly give you a much steamier sex life! Ways to cuddle with your partnerJust like kissing, cuddling is an expression of love a couple feels for each other - one which draws them closer both emotionally and physically. |
sex secrets....
SEX SECRETS
| Communicate for a healthy sex life!We all know how much we love making love. Men are known to enjoy it more than women. Plus, there are confusions galore as to what a good sack session means to both partners. A group of experts come together to tell us what is the key to a roaring sex life. |
the best sex life....
You're dating someone new and the chemistry's fab. But will the sex be as good? Getting intimate with a new person can be clumsy. You aren't completely comfortable with each other yet. Plus, there's so much at stake the first time-if the sex is bad, you could second-guess the budding relationship. These four rules make it completely enjoyable.
There's been so much build-up to this moment that you're tempted to skip foreplay and launch right into the part where you insert tab A into slot B. But that's a mistake.
Really, the first night with someone is when you should be taking your time. Your goal should be to pay close attention to what works for the other person. That way, you can please them right from the start.
Keep things slow and steamy from the get-go. Any time his hands start to wander too daringly, grab his wrists. Then give him a long, drawn-out kiss. Most men love it when a woman does something aggressive like this because it helps them understand what she wants. The back-and-forth between heavy petting and kissing will make sure things stay well-paced.
Nine sex secrets of a couple.......
Loving couples: In a world where 40 percent of marriages end in divorce, you can't help but notice them. There they are, finishing each other's sentences or laughing in some dusky corner of a Chinese restaurant. They seem so wonderfully in sync, and they make the work of being a couple seem effortless. Of course, no intimate relationship ever is, especially once you factor in life's built-in pressures, like work deadlines, laundry and your daughter's orthodontist appointments.
But, says Jane Greer, Ph.D., Redbook Online's resident sex-and-relationships expert, there are certain core values that make some marriages more intimate and resilient than others. You could probably predict the list: trust, mutual respect, commitment and a strong sense of "we" in the relationship. What is surprising, experts point out, is that when you ask loving husbands and wives about the key to their devotion, over and over you'll hear the same things, specific habits that mirror these values. Learning these secrets can make your marriage closer too.
Related: 50 Fun, Cheap Date Ideas
1. They use terms of endearment
Sure, you may find it cloyingly sweet when you overhear other couples talking like 2-year-olds, but endearments are actually a sign of a healthy rapport.
"Pet names take you back either to the happy childhood you had or the one you wish you had," says Manhattan-based family therapist Carolyn Perla, Ph.D. "They signal a safe, supportive environment." Also, these days, when we're stretched to the limit trying to juggle jobs and kids, "pet names give us the chance to let down our guard, to be vulnerable and childlike. And they make us feel close to one another."
These same feelings of intimacy can also come from using a special tone of voice with each other, sharing silly "inside jokes," or pet-naming your spouse's intimate body parts. The point is to connect with some private message system that's meaningful to you alone, as a couple -- not to the outside world. "This type of playfulness is a statement that you're feeling comfortable with each other and with the relationship," says Dr. Perla.
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2. They do stuff together
When that pheromone-crazy feeling of falling in love passes and happy couples no longer spend all day in bed, they look outward. They start businesses, refinish the attic or take up cooking together.
Of all the variables in a relationship -- from commitment to communication -- the amount of fun couples have together is the strongest factor in determining their overall marital happiness, according to a landmark study by Howard Markman, Ph.D., codirector of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. Time spent playing together, says Dr. Markman, is an "investment in the relationship"; it provides a relaxed intimacy that strengthens the bond between two people. So even if your life is impossibly frantic, make the time for play. And do all you can to eliminate distractions. Leave the kids with a sitter, ditch the beeper and cell phone. The activity doesn't have to be anything elaborate or costly. Exercising together, browsing in antiques stores, or renting a classic movie can help bring the two of you closer.
3. When the going gets tough, they don't call Mom or Dad
The first task facing all young couples is separating from their families of origin, points out San Francisco-area-based family researcher Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D. This doesn't mean you shouldn't go home for the holidays. But if there's a crisis over whether to have a second child or relocate for a new job, or even if there's good news about a big raise or the results of a medical test, the couple should talk about it together first before dialing Mom. "You wouldn't believe how many people who are getting divorced say to me, 'She was never mine,' or 'His mother always came first,'" Dr. Wallerstein observes.
Related: 23 Power Foods to Eat More, More, More Of
4. They stay connected to their parents
This doesn't contradict No. 3: You can talk with your mom every day and still be clear about where your attachment to her ends and your love for your mate begins.
"Staying connected to parents, siblings, cousins and the like can be excellent for a marriage because it gives a sense of family continuity," says Dr. Greer. "It generates positive feelings, especially when you incorporate your spouse into that family. You're sharing that part of you with each other."
5. They don't nickel-and-dime about chores
It's no secret that most wives continue to do more in the housekeeping and child-rearing departments than their husbands. Still, when partners become double-entry bookkeepers, adding up every dish washed and every diaper changed, they may be headed for trouble.
"Most couples think they should strive for a relationship that's 50-50," observes Dr. Perla, "but the fact is, they should each give 150 percent. In good relationships, couples give everything they can. They don't nickel-and-dime each other, and they respect that each person gives different things."
Related: 17 5-Minute Marriage Makeovers
6. They fight constructively
There's fighting and then there's fighting. When couples start yelling and throwing things, when they dredge up every single complaint they've ever had (or "kitchen-sinking," as marital experts typically call it), you can be sure that they won't be celebrating their silver anniversary together. "Studies show that the way couples handle conflict is the most important factor in determining whether or not they stay together," observes Polly Young-Eisendrath, Ph.D., a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Vermont.
"Happy couples have learned the art of constructive arguing," says Dr. Markman, whose research has demonstrated that it's possible to predict whether or not a couple will divorce after watching them argue for 10 or 15 minutes. In strong marriages, he says, the partners take control of their disagreements by establishing ground rules. They may, for example, call a mutually agreed-upon time-out if the conflict is escalating and unproductive, agreeing to continue the discussion after a cooling-off period. They also truly listen to each other and won't prematurely try to solve the problem before they've heard each other out. Above all, no matter how angry they get, they don't resort to name-calling and insults -- key danger signs, says Dr. Markman.
7. They give each other gifts
Couples who are deeply connected often give each other presents or write little notes, says Thomas Moore, Ph.D., best-selling author of Care of the Soul. What they're doing is preserving the rituals, and the magic, of their courtship.
The gift should carry no strings. Sarah sometimes comes home from work to find that her husband has prepared a candlelight dinner. "But it's not set up to be a prelude to sex," Sarah says laughingly. "John does it because he wants me to feel loved."
Related: Easy Ways to Burn 100 Calories
8. They never lose their sense of humor
Humor, as many psychotherapists have observed, is the Krazy Glue that keeps a couple together. When a couple can no longer laugh together, Dr. Moore says, it's a signal that the soul has gone out of their marriage and they are headed for trouble.
But Dr. Moore is quick to point out that lighthearted couples never mock each other. They instinctively know what is -- and isn't -- fair game. "Sam would never dream of making fun of my big butt," notes Catherine.
9. They take "for better or for worse" seriously
Monday 17 September 2012
Editor's note: This is the first installment in a six-week series on the perceptions of beauty. Next week's piece will look at the counter campaigns against society's beauty ideal. Tell us what beauty means to you on iReport.
(CNN) -- Beauty. We know it when we see it, but what is it?
Philosopher Edmund Burke wrote, "We must conclude that beauty is, for the greater part, some quality in bodies, acting mechanically upon the human mind by the intervention of the senses." Burke wrote that in 1756, but it's still being quoted today.
And scientists are still trying to figure out what makes things and people beautiful. In some ways, it's like asking whether your vision of"red" is the same as someone else's -- there's just no way to know for sure, says Denis Pelli, professor of psychology and neural science at New York University.
Still, there's plenty to explore in neuroscience and psychology when it comes to what people find beautiful, to what extent people see beauty in themselves, and what role beauty plays in society.
Beauty and the brain
Regardless of culture, there appear to be certain patterns of brain activity associated with viewing something you find beautiful.
Semir Zeki, professor of neuroesthetics at University College London, studies the neural basis for art appreciation. He has found that the only factor common to all that people find beautiful in art and music is activity in the brain's medial orbital frontal cortex, part of the reward and pleasure center of the brain.
There are cultural trends in what in art and music people find beautiful -- for instance, there's a Japanese preference for asymmetry, compared to a Western ideal of symmetry. This does not apply to faces, however, as it seems that universally people prefer symmetrical faces.
It's also not well understood why people adapt to certain objects of beauty after many exposures, but not others. For instance, you might be bored of a pop song after a few listens, but listen to an opera dozens of times, over a period of years, and still feel emotional about it. Or perhaps there's a painting that you've always admired, whereas another painting loses its splendor after a few viewings.
That makes sense, since we see every single blemish in ourselves, whereas there are plenty of people we consider beautiful to whom we don't get close enough to examine all the little flaws. Perception of beauty may weaken when we do start to recognize those defects, Zeki said.
Brain imaging has been done with facial beauty, too. A recent study in Neuroimage found that self-evaluation of one's own facial attractiveness may be related to self-esteem, based on common patterns of brain activity.
Beauty in the face
When it comes to facial attractiveness, there are reasons to believe that specific features and biologically based factors guide our assessment of beauty.
Faces that are more symmetrical and average-looking tend to be rated as more attractive in scientific studies. Symmetry in particular has been studied extensively, not only in the Western World but also in hunter-gatherer cultures removed from mainstream media. The Hadza of Tanzania, a remote group of hunter-gatherers, showed a stronger preference for symmetry than people in the United Kingdom. Men who were more often deemed good hunters especially liked symmetry in female faces. And Hadza women like symmetry in men's faces even more when they were pregnant or nursing, periods when they may be extra cautious about foods and disease harmful to a child.
In fact, even babies respond more positively to attractive, symmetrical faces. But babies appear to respond more to faces deemed attractive than those that are purely symmetrical, suggesting there's something else going on.
There are theories that specific proportions are the most naturally beautiful, with ratios of length and width being important.
And with the help of computers, it has become apparent that morphing a lot of faces together typically produces an end product that is highly attractive. The reasoning goes that this blending gets closer to the face "prototype" that may underline attractiveness -- the ultimate idea of a face is the most average one.
So it may be that babies are drawn to faces that are most like the most basic concept of a face -- that is, they are average.
Putting it all together, a 2007 study in Perception & Psychophysicssuggests that symmetry adds to the attractiveness of "average" faces.
Why should that matter? The theory goes that symmetrical features may be markers of genetic quality. Human ancestors evolved to find mates that would pass on good genes to offspring, so they would naturally be repelled by traits that would be detrimental to survival or indicators of poor health.
In fact, a 2011 study in the journal Economics and Human Biologyfound that people with asymmetrical faces tended to come from more difficult and deprived childhoods than those with more symmetrical features. It appears that adversity in childhood is associated with facial features that are not perfectly aligned and matching, although there's no proof that one of these phenomena causes the other.
Since sexual relationships are more costly for female primates -- they bear the kids -- females are the choosier sex.
And the kind of man that women are attracted to can vary according to phases of the ovulation cycle. Studies showed that during periods of high fertility, women are more drawn to more rugged, dominant-looking men. Subconsciously they may be perceiving beauty in accordance with evolutionary forces, since dominance can indicate genetic fitness. Incidentally, women also buy sexier clothes when they are most fertile.
A recent study in the journal Nature Communications found that women are most attracted to men with the strongest immune systems, which were associated with higher testosterone levels. But that was complicated in men who had higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol, suggesting that women may find stressed-out men less attractive.
Beauty also plays a role in friendship. Research has shown that women tend to have friends of similar attractiveness, such as a2010 study in the journal Human Nature. These scientists found that, both in terms of one's own perceptions of beauty and that of independent judges, a woman's attractiveness correlates well with her friends' attractiveness. And, if you're a woman who's the less attractive one in a friendship pair, you're also more likely to view your more attractive friend as a mating rival. But this is a small study, and more research should be done to back up these conclusions.
It appears that the subject of male attractiveness in friendships has been studied even less. However, universally people who are friends tend to share genetic links.
Beauty in yourself
Sometimes people hook their self-worth on their appearance, tying beauty to their perception of themselves, says Heather Patrick, researcher at the National Institutes of Health.
"We compare how we think we look to how other people look, and we make a decision about whether we're much better or much worse," she said.
That comparison can have negative or positive emotional and psychological consequences.
There's scientific evidence to suggest that ideas about the importance of one's own beauty get formulated in childhood, she said. Parents give a certain level of praise to their children for their appearance, vs. the amount of effort they put into tasks and the activities they're good at. Little girls in child beauty contests, for instance, receive the feedback that their appearance is highly valued.
"You can imagine that sets the stage for people to think about themselves in terms of appearance or abilities," Patrick said.
And when it comes to assessing beauty, many people are their own worst critics. Sometimes there's a particular body part that becomes a focus of self-loathing.
"I think it's still socially unacceptable to say things to others that we would say to ourselves," Patrick said. "We don't filter our judgments of ourselves in the same way that we filter judgments of others."
When taken to the extreme, obsession over a particular aspect of one's appearance has a psychiatric diagnosis: body dysmorphic disorder. It's the reason some people get dozens of plastic surgeries, but are never satisfied with the outcomes.
On the flip side, you can view your body as a source of power -- for instance, after running a first 5 kilometer race or even marathon, some people feel proud of what their bodies can do.
Beauty as power
Studies have shown that people who are perceived as being more attractive also appear more competent and successful, said Jasmin Cloutier, researcher at the University of Chicago.
"There's presumably a strong cultural and learned dimension to all of these effects," he said.
Other research has shown that physical attractiveness can alsoinfluence salary.
The legal system may even take beauty into account -- a variety of studies have found effects suggesting that attractiveness helps when it comes to verdicts and sentencing. It may be that attractive people are less likely to commit crimes as serious as unattractive people, or that there is a societal view that pretty people are "good" and wouldn't do bad things, Catherine A. Sanderson writes in the book "Social Psychology."
Vivian Diller, a New York-based psychologist and co-author of "Face It: What Women Really Feel As Their Looks Change," divides perception of beauty into three things: contributing factors from genetics, grooming and how people reacted to your appearance in early life.
"Early experiences of being the apple of your mother or father's eye goes a very long way about how you feel about your own looks," Diller said.
But if your parent became more critical of you when you became less "cute," you might feel less attractive, she said.
There must be something more than just other peoples' good favor for looks going on, since there are professional models with low self-image.
For models, there are unrealistic expectations of beauty all around -- not only in magazines and television. The ones who do well are those who don't assume they have to be perfect to be beautiful, Diller said.
Diller herself was a professional ballet dancer, and then modeled while getting a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. She would wash off her makeup when it was time to go to class so people would take her more seriously.
"When I left that world, I had to, little by little, find my value in something other than how I looked or how I danced," she said.
It's a process that everyone goes through at some point, no matter how much or little you value your looks: aging. The good looks of youth change, and no longer match your vision of yourself. But when you're in a marriage or long-term partnership, you're not actively having to worry about being beautiful to attract a new mate.
"I enjoy my looks much more now because they don't matter as much," Diller said.
SEX SECRETS OF A COUPLE....
Being an enlightened married girl, you know the latest thinking on what makes for a happy marriage: Fight fair. Give him solo time -- and find your own. Never roll your eyes at him (even if he just declared Monster Garage the best show on TV). But what do happy couples do right in the bedroom? To find out, we picked the brains of top marriage and sex experts. These moves aren't exotic, they don't defy gravity -- they're not even all sex moves, per se -- but they'll make you feel closer to him than ever before.
1. They get busy, period.
You don't have to do the deed every day -- or every six days, for that matter -- to have a great marriage. But there's no way around this fact: "The happiest couples have sex on a regular basis," says Tina Tessina, Ph.D., author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. Avoiding a sex drought is crucial, because healthy sex reinforces and deepens closeness. "Couples who don't keep sex going leave a wide-open space where other people start to look attractive," notes Tessina. And regular sex sessions are especially important for guys. "One of the primary ways a man feels close to his partner is by being sexually close to her; it's how he arrives at intimacy," says Laura Berman, Ph.D., director of the Berman Center in Chicago. When a guy doesn't get that regular body-bonding, he isn't inspired to be romantic, which tends to cause his wife's libido to wane, creating a vicious circle, explains Berman. That said, there's no need to stress if you sometimes let a week or two go by without sex. In fact, in some amazing marriages, sex is a once-every-other-week occurrence. What's key is that you're both happy with your number. If you're connecting sexually once a month or less, though, you may want to start a convo with him to make sure neither one of you is secretly craving more action. And if you are? Check out #2, below, and ease into a sexier marriage.
2. They touch out of bed, too.
They're not the scary PDA couple, feeling each other up in the frozen food aisle. But they are the sort to hug for no reason, swap foot rubs just because and even make foreplay the main course. "There are five degrees of touch, and couples in the best marriages regularly do at least four of them," says Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., marriage and sex therapist and author of Rekindling Desire. "Many couples have two modes of affection: nothing or intercourse, and when that's the case, 'nothing' usually wins out," he explains. Why? When a kiss or back rub always leads to nooky, spouses may end up avoiding contact unless they want sex. A better idea: Get hands-on when you're not hoping to get it on. "Your sex will become much more natural, because one kind of touch flows into another," says McCarthy. By physically connecting in small ways throughout the day, you stay warmed up for intense action later. And you'll still feel close on those inevitable nights when you're too stressed or tired (or both!) for the main event.
3. They have forgive-and-forget sex.
Makeup sex may not always be madly passionate, but couples who do it have an emotional advantage. Why? You're keeping up intimacy during tough times, which is a key to making love last, says Tessina. Whether you actually fool around or just kiss and cuddle, "makeup sex heals a rift," she adds. Reaching across the divide and touching your guy lets him know in a very powerful, nonverbal way that though you disagree with him, your love isn't on the line. So it can put an insignificant squabble in perspective, as Janine, 32, a writer in Brooklyn, discovered. "Bill and I used to have endless fights about small things, so at one point I said, 'Next time we're fighting about something stupid, just kiss me and it'll be over,'" she says. He didn't believe something so simple would work, she says, but "we've found holding and kissing each other can bridge the gap more effectively than hours of discussion about whether we're seeing each other's point of view."
4. They never withhold nooky as punishment.
Warning: "Expressing anger by never being in the mood will doom your sex life," says Tessina. Why? Besides the fact that it turns what should be a loving and giving act into a commodity, once sex becomes part of a couple's power struggle, so much resentment builds that soon neither partner wants sex. So instead of feigning fatigue or rolling away from your guy next time you're annoyed, speak up and clear the air -- without sex being on the table.
5. They don't expect Hollywood sex.
We can all picture it: candles glowing, white 1,000-thread-count bedsheets billowing, lovely lovemaking culminating in simultaneous, earthshaking orgasms. The only thing is, that almost never happens, says McCarthy. And the duos who are most likely to succeed wisely know not to expect it. "When you're living together and have two kids, two jobs, etc., if you're having Hollywood sex once a month, you're doing great," he says. How great? According to McCarthy, among happily married couples, up to 15 percent of erotic encounters are not even enjoyable for one or both spouses. Maybe the sex is hurried, physically uncomfortable or doesn't lead to the final fireworks. Secure couples are able to roll with off-nights, rather than taking them as a sign that something's wrong with their relationship. And they don't postpone sex until all the planets are perfectly aligned, either. "When my husband or I have a bad day, we like to say, 'Ignore me and screw me,'" says Tessina. "The idea is, don't tiptoe around my bad mood, let's just do
6. But they shoot for "special sex" anyway.
You have special "anniversary sex" on your anniversary, sure. But if you also orchestrate sexy adventures a few other times a year, you're doing your marriage a huge favor. "Happy couples sometimes pull out the romantic stops," says Berman. Not because romantic sex is more bonding, but because the act of making the effort -- whether it's booking a B&B or wearing a pretty new nightie rather than your threadbare PJs -- sends a crucial message to your guy that you still care, says Berman. And variety is the spice of a good sex life. "The latest research has found that one of the keys to sexual satisfaction is a sense of sexual adventurousness," says Berman. Plan a romantic adventure and the thrill of the new will give you both a rush -- a hormone rush, that is. "Sleeping on new sheets (at home or in a hotel), trying a new position or anything new will actually inspire the same dopamine response in your brain that made you feel addicted to each other early in the relationship," says Berman. If you want to kick his lust hormones into high gear, plan a mystery date, a favorite move of Amy, 30, a newlywed in Santa Barbara, California. "When I feel a night of romance is in order, I create a sexy email address from a free account, like Hotmail. To make the name recognizable (so he doesn't delete it), the name always includes our lucky number, 23," she says. "I don't write anything in the email except an address and time. When he shows up at the restaurant, I'm waiting alone at the bar. Then I take him to another restaurant, just to keep him guessing. He says it drives him wild."
7. They do the ultimate intimate move.
Four words: Eye contact during orgasm. "It's such a vulnerable moment that sharing it adds a huge degree of intimacy to your relationship," says Berman, who notes that a lot of long-term couples can't master this seemingly simple bedroom move. Locking eyes during lovemaking can also make you feel -- and act -- sexier, says Christine, 31, who lives in Middletown, New Jersey. "I feel more attractive when my husband is looking at me during sex," she says. "And that makes me more relaxed and open in bed."
8. They know how to get from dog poop to passion.
"One of the hardest things to do is to transition from, say, paying bills to being sexy with each other," says Tessina. Successful couples find remarkably unremarkable ways to snap each other out of daily grind mode. How? They figure out their own shorthand for "let's be sexy together." Maybe your man stretches out on the sofa after the kids are in bed and invites you to hop up next to him. Or you swat his butt. Or say, "Gosh, there's nothing on TV tonight, I wonder how we could ever fill the time?!"9. They're playful.
Sure, super couples can be intense when it counts (see #7), but they're also silly with each other on a daily basis. And having that playful streak is a prerequisite for passion. "A shared sense of humor is a very intimate thing," says Tessina, "because it shows you have great communication and understand how the other thinks." In fact, Tessina has found that the intense passion of the courtship days often turns into silliness -- which is actually a form of flirting. Amelia, 31, and her husband Jeff, 32, of New York City, get a kick out of exchanging over-the-top romantic greeting cards. "Neither of us is into mushy things, so when Jeff first bought me an oversize Valentine's Day card with glittery roses and poems on it, I cracked up," says Amelia, married three years. "Now we always surprise each other with the sappiest cards we can find."
10. They believe in quickies.
Fast sex can be good sex. "Quickies are essential because they're efficient," says Tessina. "We just don't have endless hours to make love." Amen, says Lori, 33, an accountant in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, who relies on short and sweet sex to stay connected to her husband during tax season. "When I come home at 10 at night, I am so exhausted that sex with lots of foreplay isn't an option," she says. "So I ask him, in the sexiest voice I can muster, 'Want to have a quickie?' Of course he's always up for it, so it works for both of us." And that's key. Because though sex isn't everything, says Berman, when it isn't working, it's a huge factor that creates problems that wouldn't otherwise be there. "Couples who are connecting sexually are more compassionate and forgiving, more romantic and intimate, less lonely and sad, and much less susceptible to conflict," she says. "They have this amazing connecting fiber holding them together."
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